Exploring Joy and Grief

I am sharing some of the universal themes I (am honored and humbled to) bear witness to in my work. Not everyone is in a position to work with a coach or consultant so I hope this offers a broad view into some of what can unfold. Look forward to hearing what resonates...

EXPLORING JOY & GRIEF

Many clients (human beings) are sharing with me their longing to reconnect with their joy. At the same time, many of them are experiencing layers of grief and loss that they would rather not feel or even name. With gentleness, I remind them (and myself) that Joy and Grief are inextricably connected and our capacity for one is only as great as our capacity for the other. We can stave off grief by never allowing our hearts to fully open or love. In doing so, joy is also clinched shut. The opposite is true as well. By allowing our hearts to fully open brings us close to the exquisite vulnerability of losing what we most love. There is a reason that 1,000s of years of wisdom traditions offer teachings to guide us in living with Impermanence. Let's explore together...

What is Grief? 

We are deeply unaccustomed in our culture to give space to grief. When I hear clients or friends share what these months have felt like, I hear grief in their stories. If I reflect this back, the answer is quick - "No, no, it's not grief. It's just been hard." Even naming grief can feel like summoning something overwhelming. We cannot experience being fully human if we deselect grief (or any emotion) from our lives. We cannot metabolize, process, connect through or heal from grief if it cannot be named.

And grief comes in many forms - Certainly in the loss of a loved one and also in the midst of change, uncertainty, in the letting go of a belief, loss of a way of life, job, an aspect of ourselves or a relationship. Even the seasonal change from Summer to Autumn can bring us a sense of loss as we move from warmth to cold, trees resplendent with green growth letting go of their leaves.

The tumultuous foundation shifting events of this year have intensified the experience of loss and uncertainty for every single person at roughly the same time. Events spanning the global health crisis in the pandemic, radiating economic impacts, climate crises and the very deep human reckoning of the current and long-standing systems of privilege and oppression in racial, gender injustice, economic injustice and other dehumanizing structures. The term waking up has been used in these times but, for marginalized individuals and communities, there has never been the option to be asleep.

And Joy?

Joy is an essential part of our human experience that includes warm and soft-heartedness, gladness of the heart and tenderness. With joy we grow our capacity for wonder, contentment, beauty, appreciating the joy of others and our own gratitude. As grief brings us close to the fullest aspects of the preciousness of life, we can also tremble in the face of joy as we experience beauty, mystery, happiness and aliveness. Joy is not only found in times of celebration or the gaiety of holidays but in our most ordinary moments which, upon closer inspection, reveal the extraordinary. The fact there is your own awareness in this living human form reading these words is quite a confounding, wild and wondrous mystery in itself!

Joy is the sister of Grief. While grief is often thought to be the most overwhelming, our most vulnerable human emotion is actually joy. The moment we feel closest to joy is when we feel the fragility and impermanence of joy (and all things). Often, our response is to push away the difficulty that can accompany these experiences. By tending to the difficult emotions that can accompany change and loss, we clear out the space and inhabit our fullest capacity for joy.

Mindfulness: Awakening to Connection, Joy & Grief

Mindfulness is a practice of waking up and being present to our lives and with the totality of our experience. If we compartmentalize or push any part of our lived experience away, we cut off our fullest expression. In a world of busy, productive, to-do lists, mindfulness invites us to Pause and Pay Attention to the present moment, intentionally and without judgment. The advanced move is to bring a genuine attitude of curiosity and kind interest even to the smallest detail of what we notice or experience. Beginning a mindfulness practice is deeply supportive and skillful in awakening us to patterns that keep us disconnected from joy, grief or simply the present moment.

A well-worn pattern of protection and disconnection is Judgment. Judging ourselves and others is a defensive move to make ourselves feel (temporarily) superior in areas we feel uncertainty, self-doubt and vulnerability. When we're judging ourselves or others, we're not in connection. Grief must be witnessed as David Kessler explains in his book on Finding Meaning. Witnessing happens in connection. Mindfulness helps us see our strategies of disconnection, such as judgment so that we can begin shifting to patterns that build connection. It is not always obvious so I'll say here. The most potent healing balm for judgment is self-compassion and self-forgiveness.

If we are unaware of the patterns and strategies we use to avoid big emotions, joy or grief, we are not able to shift. Practicing mindfulness is one way to wake up and grow our awareness so that we are conscious of our choices and behaviors and respond in ways that skillfully allow us to step into our wholeness.

Don't miss a moment of this exquisite adventure.

As we enter this Autumn following months of unprecedented and tremendous upheaval and unrelenting uncertainty, I encourage you to soften and slow down. Consider your relationship to joy and grief. If you are feeling compelled, extend the exploration to the deeply healing and human domains of self-compassion, sorrow, joy, gratitude, forgiveness, impermanence, equanimity and our inter-connectedness.

Know that your heart has room for it all.

I am co-leading a retreat this October on Joy and Grief if a retreat setting would be a supportive space you can find more information here.

We shake with joy, we shake with grief. 

What a time they have, these two

housed as they are in the same body.

Mary Oliver, Evidence