Being Truly Heard and Deeply Listening: Practice for Building True Connection

Below is a simple (and not so simple) outline that provides a 3-Part script to guide an Active Listening and Mirroring exchange from research in couples therapy, psychology and organizational behavior*.

The impact of Listening Skills is just as powerful at work as at home as many of us spend the majority of waking time at work and in interpersonal relationships with colleagues. Developing the skill of listening in leadership has significant positive organizational impact on higher organizational commitment, retention, job satisfaction, and measures of health and well-being (*see citations below).

Learning to quiet our own voice and Listen to another person allows us to hear and learn things we may not if we are busy preparing our response. Being truly heard and seen can be a moving, transformational, courage- and trust-building and healing experience.

3 Parts

Part 1: Active Listening and Mirroring

Part 2: Validating

Part 3: Empathy

PART 1: ACTIVE LISTENING & MIRRIRONG

Active Listening

Active Listening is a formal and informal practice that increases our skillfulness and capacity to listen.

Mirroring

Mirroring is a widely used practice and credited to Harville Hendrix’s Imago work with couples. It is simple and powerful because the Listener has permission to simply hear and repeat back what is heard. They do not have to do the work of formulating a response or counter point while the other person is talking. The Speaker gets to be heard and have their words and experience reflected back.

NOTE: It is essential to have qualities of sincerity and interest in this exchange. If the tone or words are accusing or distorting, the practice should be stopped as it will not have value.

PART 1: ACTIVE LISTENING and MIRRORING

Speaker begins talking following this script below. Listener remains silent and receives. This is best used if there has been an injury to the relationship or broken connection. Otherwise, the listener/speaker can move to Parts 2 and 3.

Speaker.

1.    When you did/said……

2.    It made me feel….

3.    And I wish you would have done/said…… instead

Speaker Note: Use as much specificity as possible with your feelings. Example: When you were telling me how to drive, I felt frustrated and not trusted. I feel like my competence and ability was being questioned and judged. That made me feel hurt and defensive.

Avoid talking about the other person, the other person’s believed intentions or motives. ONLY SPEAK to your direct experience of what you feel. Use I Statements.

Listener Note: Really tune into the words the Speaker is saying. When the Speaker is finished, the Listener responds with the script below.

Listener

A. "What I heard you say was.... (use the exact language of the other person.)

B. Then, ask: "Did I get that?"

C. If the answer is 'no': Ask “Could you please say that again?”. Repeat steps A-B.

D. If the answer is 'yes': Ask, "Is there more?", "Is there more you could say about that?"

E. Repeat steps A-D until the person says they are done talking. 

F. Summarize what you heard saying. "Let me see if I got it all. I heard you say.... (paraphrasing what you heard)."

G. Ask phrases such as "Am I getting you?",  "Did I get all of that?", "Is that a good summary?"

PART 2: VALIDATION

To truly feel and be heard, there is an essential step of validation. It is emotionally intelligent and skillful to learn to pay close enough attention in order to understand the other person’s perspective (understand, not agree). We may (wildly) agree or disagree with the position itself. AND we can understand how they arrived to the position without having to agree or disagree with it. As Dr. Harville Hendrix says, "It's 'Do you see that I'm not crazy?'"

Steps

Once the Speaker says there is “no more”, the Listener will attempt to validate what the speaker has said by letting the Speaker if what they have been saying is making logical sense to the Listener.  If it does not, the Listener will simply share what does make sense, then ask the Speaker to say more about the parts that do not yet make sense.

How to Validate:  “That makes sense to me because…”  or “That makes sense, I can see where…”

Ask for clarification: 

  • “This part (X) makes sense, but help me understand,

  • “…can you say more about…?”

When the Speaker feels that their position/perspective has been validated, move to Part 3: Empathy.

PART 3: EMPATHY

Brené  Brown defines empathy ”to be nonjudgmental. to understand another person's feelings.” Expressing our understanding of another person’s feelings  requires us to connect to those same (likely uncomfortable) feelings in ourselves like frustration, nervousness, or confusion. We do not have to have the exact experience of the person but understand the emotions it may have brought up.

In this step, the Listener describes as best they can what they imagine the Speaker might be feeling as it relates to what they are saying/sharing.  If the Speaker has already said how they feel, then the Listener can simply reflect this back once more.  If, however, the Listener can think of an additional way the Speaker might be feeling, this is where they can add that.

Use the prompts below to begin reflecting back the emotions the Speaker feels/felt.

  • Listener says, “I can imagine you might be feeling…”

  • Listener then checks it out with the Speaker. “Is that how you feel?”                       

As it's difficult to know exactly what a person feels, the Listener should check for accuracy, asking "Is that what you're feeling?" If she/they/he didn't understand the feeling, the Speaker can offer new language.

Next…

Take a short break.

Repeat the process above switching the Speaker / Listener Roles

Building the skills and capacity to truly listen is a foundational plate of authenticity and especially game-changing when we have a strong orientation to fix things and problem-solve, being right or an aversion to discomfort. Stepping away from the need to be 'right', to 'win' the point and staying in discomfort without fixing or advice-giving is one of the most transformational, authentic and human capacities we can develop. This capacity can be especially difficult for males who have a culturally and societally (often familial) identity expectation ‘to have the answer’, to be an authority and problem-solver. Saying 'I don't know what to say but I'm so glad you told me', I just want to listen' or 'I Don't Know' can be scary, uncharted territory and equally courageous and trust-building. 

* This content draws on work from the Imago Communications Framework for couples therapy and Active Listening from work done in the 1950s by renowned psychologists Carl Rogers and Richard Farson along with other significant research in the field of Occupational Health.

A study of the effects of active listening on listening attitudes of middle managers. Kubota, S., Mishima, N., & Nagata, S. (2004). Journal of Occupational Health, 46(1), 60–67.

Respectful communication is related to higher organizational commitment and thus to lower turnover intention (Brown et al., 2019; Mayfield & Mayfield, 2007).

Creating a healthy working environment with leadership: the concept of health-promoting leadership. Paul Jiménez, Bianca Winkler & Anita Dunkl. Pages 2430-2448 | Published: 19 Feb 2016. https://doi.org/10.1080/09585192.2015.1137609

Health-Promoting Leadership and Leaders’ Listening Skills Have an Impact on the Employees’ Job Satisfaction and Turnover Intention. Anita Bregenzer, Borut Milfelner and Paul Jiménez. https://doi.org/10.1177/232948842096370

Ashley Gibbs Davis